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Memoir
I wanted to write my story. It was that simple. I felt driven
by this desire for a very long time. It wasn't until I was
twenty eight that I bought me a computer and a typing tutorial
and began the task of putting my words to paper. (Journals
don't count.)This turned out to be much more difficult than I
realized when the notion of a book struck my mind. Aside from
learning to type and taking a few online grammar courses I took
up reading memoirs. I read waiting to be inspired; to read a
book that was similar to the one I needed to tell, but I ended
up disappointed. Don't get me wrong, I read some fantastic
memoirs along the way, including Angela's Ashes, Blackbird and
Finding Fish but I was left wanting. Ultimately it was another
person's story and I was no closer to my own than before.
About this time someone recommended a book by Margaret Atwood
titled A Handmaid's Tale. Before I finished this book, (a piece
of compelling fiction by the way) I began writing my own book,
the first sheepish attempt. It was fiction that freed me to
write my story. Novels were so bold, taking risks and telling
stories that demanded the reader to sit up straight and pay
attention. While memoirs were bogged down with the passage of
time, one event unfolding after another in linear fashion. I
could almost hear the clock ticking in the background as I read
to reach the finish line. The only exception was Angela's Ashes
by Frank McCourt. He performed some magic that I could not
discover by mere reading, therefore a magic I could not
duplicate.
When writing my memoir I asked myself continuously, what is the
truth? I don't believe I ever discovered that answer wholly but
the book itself became the journey to uncover truth that was
inside of me; truths that I had hidden from myself. The events
in the book all indeed happened. I wouldn't fictionalize an
event to portray a truth but the truth must be in the event. I
needed a theme, something that would corral my memories and
force them to be sorted and arranged.
Throughout my book the concept of running away presents itself
in many forms most obviously in the preface and in the
epilogue. Why do we run from pain? What are different ways in
which people run away? Does running away ever produce the
desired result? Sometimes we run toward something and other
times we are running away from something. All these questions
were asked and never answered, for who wants the answer when
the question is enough?
I did not know in advance which stories would surface, I didn't
know how I was going to end it or what climactic experience
would emerge from the dusty pages of the past, I only knew that
it would. I was surprised at every turn. I was delighted with
the humor that arose out of the pain; humor that I didn't know
was there until I began the excavation. I laughed spontaneously
and cried unexpectedly at the smallest provocation. I hoped the
reader would also be surprised and laugh or cry when it was
least expected.
The book was written in the present tense. I wanted to convey a
sense of immediacy and timelessness. The passage of time
contained within the moment, so that the moments unfolded in
the here and now. I hoped the reader would grow up right along
with the little girl making their own unique discoveries along
the way and the child separated from others by a pane of glass
would finally know she was not alone.
When the book was completed it had been six long years. My
story was written. Except it wasn't and never would be.
Memories cannot truly be known, written or documented but only
hinted at, viewed through the fuzzy lens of time. But I had
told a story and I could continue telling stories tilled from
the soil of my past and my experiences and all of them
sprinkled with equal amounts of truth and fiction. And perhaps
somehow someway my story is known through all the words that
have been written and all the words that will be written.
Perhaps not.
by Susanna Barlow - 19th October 2008
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Susanna Barlow is the 23rd child of 46 children, the
quintessential middle child. Her fundamentalist religious
upbringing shaped her life, her values, and her views on
literally everything. Though no longer affiliated with
polygamous groups on a religious level, she is surrounded by
family & friends who practice polygamy. For more
information, visit: http://www.susannabarlow.com
Article Source:
http://www.creativewriter.me.uk
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